Why we love an abuser – and for the readers of this blog – why we love someone who’s an alcohol or other drug abuser – is an unanswerable question when you’re living with it.  I know in my case, it took me decades to finally get the help I needed to answer this question and find the courage and the tools to love the person but no longer tolerate the abuse.

To help you answer this question for yourself, I’m sharing today’s post written by frequent guest author, Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT. As she explains in her article below, “Friends ask why we love someone abusive and why we stay. We don’t have good answers. But there are valid reasons. Our motivations are outside our awareness and control, because we’re wired to attach for survival. These instincts control our feelings and behavior.”

Darlene is the author of Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You, and her latest eBook is titled, Dealing with a Narcissist, 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People. She can be reached at info@darlenelancer.com or you may wish to follow her on Facebook or visit her website www.whatiscodependency.com.

Why We Love an Abuser by Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

It can feel humiliating to stay in an abusive relationship. Those who don’t understand might judge us or throw up their hands frustrated that they can’t convince us to leave. Don’t judge yourself for loving someone who doesn’t treat you with care and respect, because by the time the relationship turns abusive, we’re attached and want to maintain our connection and love. By then, our love is cemented and doesn’t die easily. It’s difficult to leave an abuser. Abusive relationships are the most difficult to leave. We become codependent on the abuser. We may completely lose ourselves trying to please and not displease the abuser. Bits of kindness or closeness feel all the more poignant (like make-up sex) because we’re been starved and are relieved to feel loved. Research shows that even victims of violence on average experience seven incidents before permanently leaving their partner.

Friends ask why we love someone abusive and why we stay. We don’t have good answers. But there are valid reasons. Our motivations are outside our awareness and control, because we’re wired to attach for survival. These instincts control our feelings and behavior.

Denial

Many of us have empathize with the abuser, but not ourselves. We are unaware of our needs and would feel ashamed asking for them. This is denial and makes us susceptible to manipulation and abuse if an abuser plays the victim, exaggerates guilt, shows remorse, blames us, or talks about a troubled past (they usually have one). We excuse the abuser and justify, rationalize, and minimize the pain we endure. We hide our situation to protect the abuser and out of shame about being abused. Secrecy is a mistake and gives the abuser more power.

Research shows we deny for survival to stay attached and procreate for survival of the species. Facts and feelings that would normally undermine love are minimized or twisted so that we overlook them or blame ourselves in order to keep loving. By appeasing our partner and connecting to love, we stop hurting. Love is rekindled and we feel safe again.

The Cycle of Abuse

After an abusive episode, often there’s a honeymoon period. This is part of the Cycle of Abuse. The abuser may seek connection and act romantic, apologetic, or remorseful. Regardless, we’re relieved that there’s peace for now. We believe promises that it will never happen again, because we want to and because we’re wired to attach. The breech of the emotional bond feels worse than the abuse. We yearn to feel connected again. We want to believe promises and expressions of love to feel reassured about the relationship, hopeful, and lovable. Our denial provides an illusion of safety. This is called the “Merry-Go-Round” of denial that happens in alcoholic relationships after a bout of drinking followed by promises of sobriety.

When we receive occasional and unpredictable positive and negative intermittent reinforcement, we keep looking for the positive. It keeps us addictively hooked. Partners may be emotionally unavailable or have an avoidant attachment style. They may periodically want closeness. After a wonderful, intimate evening, they pull away, shut down, or are abusive. When we don’t hear from the person, we become anxious and keep seeking closeness. We mislabel our pain and longing as love.

Low Self-Esteem

Due to low self-esteem, we believe the abuser’s belittling, blame, and criticisms, which further lessen our self-esteem and confidence in our own perceptions. They intentionally do this for power and control. We’re brainwashed into thinking we have to change in order to make the relationship work. We blame ourselves and try harder to meet the abuser’s demands. We may interpret sexual overtures, crumbs of kindness, or just absence of abuse as signs of love or hope that the relationship will improve. Thus, as trust in ourselves declines, our love and idealization of the abuser remain intact. We may even doubt that we could find anything better.

Childhood Trauma

When we fall in love, if we haven’t worked through trauma from our childhood, we’re more susceptible to idealizing our partner when dating. It’s likely that we will seek out someone who reminds us of a parent with whom we have unfinished business, not necessary of our opposite sex parent. We might be atracted to someone who has aspects of both parents.

Positive Aspects

Undoubtedly the abuser and the relationship have positive aspects that we enjoy or miss, especially the early romance and good times. We recall or look forward to their recurrence if we stay. We imagine if only he or she would control his or her anger, or agree to get help, or just change one thing, everything would be better. This is our denial.

Trauma Bonding

Due to the Jeckyll and Hyde personality of alcoholics, we become trained to stay. We walk on eggshells, and wait and hope for connection. This is called “trauma bonding” due to repeated cycles of abuse in which the intermittent reinforcement of reward and punishment creates emotional bonds that resist change. It explains why Abusers will turn on the charm if you threaten to leave, but it’s just another temporary ploy to reassert control. Expect to go through withdrawal after you leave. You may still miss and love your abusive ex.

Codependents are loyal to a fault. We want to protect the abuser whom we’re attached to rather than ourselves. We feel guilty talking to outsiders, leaving the relationship, or calling the police. Outsiders who try to help feel threatening. For example, counselors and Twelve-Step Programs may be viewed as interlopers who “want to brainwash and separate us.” This reinforces the toxic bond and isolates us from help . . . what the abuser wants!

Steps You Can Take.

If you feel trapped in a relationship or can’t get over your ex:

• Seek support and professional help. Attend CoDA meetings.
• Get information and challenge your denial.
• Report violence and take steps to protect yourself from violence and emotional abuse.
• When you miss the abuser or are longing for attention, in your mind substitute the parent whom you’re projecting on your partner. Write about and grieve that relationship.
• Be more loving to yourself. Meet your needs.
• Learn to set boundaries.
• Take steps to improve the relationship utilizing Dealing with a Narcissist…and Difficult People.
• Get Breakup Recovery and How to Raise Your Self-Esteem.

©Darlene Lancer 2019