If you love someone who drinks too much – whether it’s binge drinking on the week-ends or drinking several drinks a night or you might even think of them as an alcoholic, but your not for sure, sure – then you’ve likely been told by your loved one things like:

I am soooooo sorry. You know how much I love you. I promise – promise – that won’t happen, again.

I didn’t lie. You asked if I’d gone out with Bob, not John. If you’d asked about John, I would have told you.

I know, I know… but it was Susan’s birthday lunch, and we were all very aware of having to be out of there in time to pick up our kids. And I was being very careful, too, so I have no idea how I could have gotten a DUI – you know I’d never endanger our children! 

The complexity of their omissions, half truths and nuanced rationalizations and the slicing and dicing and mincing of words is phenomenal when you think about it. Top that with our determination to get them to admit their lie or broken promise or to agree with our right to be ticked off, and we find ourselves living in a nightmare.

[But before I continue, there’s been a great deal of research and advanced understandings about the term, alcoholism, which is now diagnosed as a severe alcohol use disorder, as well as the terms alcohol abuse and alcoholic. This article provides clarification. For the purposes of this article, I’ll use the terms most of society uses – alcoholic, alcohol abuse and alcoholism.]

What to Do When You’re Sick and Tired of the Drinker’s Lies and Broken Promises

1.  Understand what “normal” drinking looks like. This will help you know when to avoid confrontation because you’re loved one’s brain is not functioning normally. Check out this post, What Is Considered Normal Drinking.

2. Don’t get caught up in the label, i.e., whether or not they’re an alcoholic. Stick solely to the fact, “Your drinking behavior(s) are unacceptable.” [Drinking behaviors include: verbal, physical, emotional abuse; neglect; physical violence; DUI; insisting on an insane, circular argument; falling asleep every night on the couch after drinking before, during and after dinner.]

Are you sick and tired of trying to sort through and/or argue with a drinker about their lies and broken promises?

Remind yourself, if your loved one had consumed 4 glasses of water, would you even be having a conversation about their behavior – their lie or broken promise, for example? Of course not. That’s because water does not change brain function the way the ethyl alcohol chemical in alcoholic beverages does. Check out this post, Understand How the Body Processes Alcohol – Reduce Secondhand Drinking.

3.  Understand what helps and what doesn’t when talking to someone about their drinking. Check out What to Say to Someone With a Drinking Problem.

4.  Understand there’s only so much you can control. Check out Courage to Change the Things I Can.

Additional Resources on What to Do When You’re Sick and Tired of Being Sick and Tired

Here are four of my most popular blog posts on the issues covered by this general topic:

• Why Addicts Lie, Cheat and Steal
• How to You Trust an Addict | Alcoholic
• Detach – Detach With Love — You’ve Got to be Kidding

You may also want to read my latest book published in 2019 — not so I can sell books but so you can learn about the huge scientific advances that explains all of this in layman’s terms.

The first half covers alcohol use disorders (drinking problems) – how they’re developed and treated and what long-term recovery requires. In the case of alcohol abuse, for example, it’s possible to learn to “re-drink,” but in the case of alcoholism, it must be total abstinence from alcohol, yet in both cases, there are other brain healing aspects necessary in order to address “why” a person finds themselves drinking to these extents in the first place (e.g., trauma, anxiety, depression, social environment…). As importantly for readers of this post, it explains why addicts/alcoholics lie, cheat, steal.

The second half explains what happens to family members and friends and what they can do to help their loved ones, as well as what they can do to take back control of their physical and emotional health and the quality of their lives.

This is the link to the Amazon version. It comes in both paperback and Kindle (which can be read on an iPad or other eReader device). With the Kindle format, you’re able to get it immediately, which may be helpful for right now, and it allows you to read it without anyone knowing, which may also be helpful. It is also sold by other retailers and available in some libraries, as well.

And lastly, if you have any questions, feel free to email me at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com to arrange a phone call. There is no charge.

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Note: This post was originally published 3/28/15. It was updated January 2020.

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Lisa Frederiksen

Author | Speaker | Consultant | Founder at BreakingTheCycles.com

Lisa Frederiksen is the author of hundreds of articles and 12 books, including her latest, "10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You'd Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much,” and "Loved One In Treatment? Now What!” She is a national keynote speaker with over 30 years speaking experience, consultant and founder of BreakingTheCycles.com. Lisa has spent the last 19+ years studying and simplifying breakthrough research on the brain, substance use and other mental health disorders, secondhand drinking, toxic stress, trauma/ACEs and related topics.

Latest posts by Lisa Frederiksen (see all)

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