Choosing to Forgive an Alcoholic
Choosing to forgive an alcoholic…
Depending on how long you’ve been living and/or coping with a loved one’s alcoholism, this can be one of the most difficult concepts to grasp, let alone embrace – choosing to forgive your alcoholic. I’d repeatedly been told that alcoholism was like any other disease, and I wanted to (and sometimes did) shout back, “No it’s not! Diabetics don’t lie. They don’t drive impaired and risk my life and the lives of my children. They don’t constantly flip the point of the argument [their drinking] to be something I’ve done and put me on the defensive.” No, I’d think and/or say, “Alcoholism is not like any other disease.”
I was wrong, and I was right.
Alcoholism is a Disease
[But before I continue, there’s been a great deal of research and advanced understandings about the term addiction (drug addiction or alcoholism), which is now diagnosed as a severe substance use disorder, as well as the terms alcohol or drug abuse, addict or alcoholic. This article provides clarification. For the purposes of this article, I’ll use the terms most of society uses – abuse and addiction.]
It’s true – alcoholism is a disease. It is one of the brain diseases of addiction (aka brain disorders).
It is chronic (long-lasting, recurrent), it is relapsing (happens again and again, even after a period of not IF the substance is used in any amount), and it can result in death or other compromised body organs and/or bodily functions. It is also entirely treatable – a person can treat and recover from alcoholism (or drug addiction, for that matter). These are some of the characteristics of a disease – any disease.
So “they” were right, it is a disease. But, then, I was also right — at least in a way. Alcoholism is not like any other disease (with the exception of those, like mental illnesses, that also cause chemical and structural changes in the brain and impair a person’s ‘thinking’) because of the behaviors in which a person with the disease of alcoholism engages. Theirs are some pretty rotten, nasty behaviors; behaviors unique to their disease because of the way it compromises brain function; behaviors that, in turn, are so very destructive to the ‘thinking’ of those who love them but don’t understand the disease.
Why is this?
It’s because alcoholism is a brain disease, and the brain controls everything we think, feel, say and do through neurons (cells) in the brain “talking” to one another and to and from other neurons throughout the body via the nervous system.
How is it a brain disease?
By its simplest definition, a disease is something that changes cells in a negative way. When cells are changed in a body organ, the health and function of that organ is changed, as well. Addiction (whether to drugs or alcohol) changes cells in the brain. It starts with alcohol abuse chemically and structurally changing the brain, which in turn makes if more vulnerable to the key risk factors for developing this disease. The behaviors of a person addicted to (or abusing) drugs or alcohol are not the “person” – rather they are the result of the behavioral changes that are caused by the chemical and structural changes that result when alcohol or drugs are abused and change the way the brain works. Whew! No wonder it takes so long to believe it’s a disease – right?!
Choosing to Forgive an Alcoholic
For me, choosing to forgive my alcoholic loved ones was much easier to do once I finally understood what had happened to their brain as a result of their addiction, and it was hearing a definition of “forgiveness” that made sense to me.
The definition was something along the lines of: “forgiveness is when we quit hoping for a different outcome.”
If you love and/or live with an alcoholic, understanding the disease of alcoholism and the impact of alcohol abuse/alcoholism on the chemical/structural make-up of the brain, and accepting that while your loved one is/was drinking, it will be impossible for them to ‘think straight’ and avoid those drinking behaviors that are so, so nasty, can help with the process of forgiveness.
The best part about forgiveness by this definition, for me, was finally being able to let go of the anger, the fear, the frustration, the hurt and the shame that centered around my belief that somehow I, our relationship, our life wasn’t good enough, important enough, to make them want to stop.
By understanding the disease of alcoholism for what it is – one of the brain diseases of addiction – I could honestly let go of hoping for a different outcome.
I now know my loved ones (some of whom are in recovery and some of whom are not) couldn’t/can’t behave any other way. They had/have the untreated disease of alcoholism. As long as they drank or drink any amount of alcohol, their brains would/will continue to be deeply compromised, and they would/will continue to be unable to ‘think straight.’ But – and here’s an important, “but” – I don’t have to try make sense of it (their nasty, hurtful behaviors) because that is a part of their disease.
Armed with this information – some of it only available in the recent 10-15-20 years, thanks in large part to advances in imaging technologies that allow scientists and medical professionals to study the live, human brain in action, over time, under development, with mental illness or addiction, after treatment and more – I can now separate my loved one from their disease. I can separate them (the core, the good of their person) from their disease of addiction just as I would separate them from their disease of cancer or diabetes.
Armed with this information and that which I share next, I was able to choose to forgive my alcoholic loved ones, for they, like I, did not / don’t understand the nature of their disease.
Part of Forgiveness Was Learning What Had Happened to Me
…over the nearly four decades of coping with my various loved one’s alcohol use disorders. This discovery journey didn’t begin until the year of my 50th birthday and started when one of my loved ones entered residential treatment for alcoholism. At the time, family members were referred to as a codependents and enablers. I really baulked at those terms. “Seriously!?! You’ve got to be kidding!” I was just trying to do my best to “help” my loved one and the others in my family.
It took time, cognitive behavioral therapy, research and participation in Al-Anon for me to understand and reframe my experience as secondhand drinking in order to get at the very real toxic-stress related physical and emotional health consequences of coping with a loved one’s alcoholism.
I won’t continue to explain this here, but I encourage you to read my latest book, 10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop!
The first half covers alcohol use disorders (drinking problems) – how they’re developed and treated and what long-term recovery requires. In the case of alcohol abuse, for example, it’s possible to learn to “re-drink,” but in the case of alcoholism, it must be total abstinence from alcohol, yet in both cases, there are other brain healing aspects necessary in order to address “why” a person finds themselves drinking to these extents in the first place (e.g., trauma, anxiety, depression, social environment…). As importantly for readers of this post, it helps one embrace this idea of choosing to forgive an alcoholic.
The second half explains what happens to family members and friends and what they can do to help their loved ones, as well as what they can do to take back control of their physical and emotional health and the quality of their lives.
This is the link to the Amazon version. It comes in both paperback and Kindle (which can be read on an iPad or other eReader device). With the Kindle format, you’re able to get it immediately, which may be helpful for right now, and it allows you to read it without anyone knowing, which may also be helpful. It is also sold by other retailers and available in some libraries, as well.
If you have additional questions, please email me at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com to arrange a phone call. There is no charge.
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Note: this post first appeared June 2009 and was updated in 2020.
Lisa Frederiksen
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Thanks for the blog post.
Yes, treating alcoholism or addiction like a desease comparable to diabetes or something like that is very difficult. But, as I’ve learned along the way it is mostly about trying to find commonalities and not the differences.
Let an alcoholic witness a hospital patient in the last stage of the disease. It will scare the …. out of them, perhaps enuf to wake em up.
People change when they want to change, they have to hit their own rock bottom. Some never do. Some never wake up or get out of it no matter what they see in others.
Yup.You have to want to change.My aunt is an alcoholic.She has been so since her younger years(teens), and drank herself to the hospital bed.She was in the hospital with end stage liver disease, and on a ventilator almost dying 5 times.I do not believe she has changed.She is still the same person she was, before, even close to death.
Can they love us when active in a progressive destructive disease. I don’t think so, in hindsight. I left because of his unending pattern of abusive behaviour.
Forgiveness doesn’t come easily to loved ones who have been left feeling derailed by the disease. It takes time and support. My feeling is that forgiveness is a process and is much more likely to be achieved with the support of Alanon/Alateen and the guidance of a good sponsor.
AlAnon and Alateen (and Nar-Anon) are hugely helpful for millions of family members. And I agree – forgiveness doesn’t come easily, and it does take time because there is so much to learn and process – both in terms of what’s happened to a loved one and to oneself. One of the big helps is to understand the disease for what it is and then realize your loved one is NOT their disease, rather a person with this brain disease. Thank you for your comment!
Thank you for bringing this information to the public Lisa!
You’re so welcome – I appreciate your comment!!
It’s been 18 years of living with a alcoholic husband. Me and my kids can’t take it anymore. He always says it’s the last time. I love my husband but I just can’t live with it anymore. I hope someday I can forgive him.
Oh Pamela – I’m so very sorry. The pain of what you’ve been going through these past 18 years, as well as that of your children and trying to help them, is huge. If you ever need to talk with someone, feel free to call me at 650-362-3026 (no charge) – that’s my office line so I may not answer but will call back when I can. I don’t know of you saw my books list on the website, but you may find my book, “If You Loved Me, You’d Stop!,” and my ebooks, “Quick Guide to Addiction Recovery: What Helps, What Doesn’t” and “Quick Guide to Secondhand Drinking: a Phenomenon That Affects Millions,” helpful. They’re all available online through Amazon, Barnes & Noble….
I am an abuser of alcohol. I have not drank for 5 months. My husband has lost his ability to love me romantically. We are in therapy together, but he is just stuck underneath the hurt I have caused him. I love him, but I just wasn’t dealing with my life and our lack of communication/deep connection with each other, so I drank to escape. When I drank, I would say mean things to him. I, like many others, tried numerous times to swear off alcohol. This is the longest I have gone, and I have no place for alcohol in my life anymore. I’m deeply sorry for the harm I have done. Do you have any advice on how I might be able to help him forgive me?
Hi Nicole,
This is a longer conversation than we can have here, so please send me an email to lisaf@breakingthecycles.com, and we can arrange a time for a phone call.
I will say, that it absolutely takes time for a loved one to trust, again. They need to see and experience real change and know you are doing some of things it takes to “re-wire” your brain. It sounds like you’re on the right path seeing a therapist, together. Hopefully it is one who is trained in alcohol use disorders and their impacts on families, as then they understand both “sides” of this issue.
Thanks for reaching out,
Lisa
I spent 20 years in a alcoholic marriage. It wasn’t until my father passed that my own pain was no longer ignorable. I needed my husband in a difficult time and realized how I felt truly alone. I was just too tired to be the enabler another day. It was a painful relief when he walked out on my teens and myself. Two days later, once sober, he wanted to come home. I said no. I have to find a way to forgive myself and him for what my children experienced.
Hi Susan,
I’m so sorry to hear all you’ve been through… I thought I’d share this post of mine, “Mothers Who Love an Addict | Alcoholic,” to share what I found helpful as I went through my forgiveness process. Feel free to call me anytime (no charge) – 650-362-3026. Lisa
I’ve been through so many articles about this, looking for SOMETHING useful and worthwile and this is the first. Thank you. Thank you especially for forgiveness is when we quit hoping for a different outcome. Gold
You are so welcome, Natalie, and thank you for letting me know this helped!
I find it hard to forgive and forget. I feel like they are both intertwined. How do I forgive when each time the lies and denials and attitudes and arguments come to my head? How can I forget being there for him knowing he has never really been there for me when I needed him most? I can stop expecting things from others and let them live their own life, but I cannot forget and forgive.
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When do the addict and the addiction become one? As the disease progresses does this happen? I was physically, mentally, emotionally abused for 7 years. I very recently got out. He was the nastiest monster when drunk and professionals have said he was an abuser apart from the alcoholism. I don’t know but I think I will forgive eventually.
Hi Jane,
This is a great question and will depend on the individual. The thing to understand is the brain goes through significant changes as it develops the disease of alcoholism — such as those around cravings — doing anything and everything to seek, hide, and cover-up the drinking because the brain so desperately “needs” the alcohol, for example. Additionally, the risk factors – especially childhood trauma, social environment, and mental illness – that were in place (and had thus changed brain structure and function in and of themselves) before the alcohol abuse/dependence developed – are still there, unless treated as what they are — something separate of the drinking. And this is because they often contributed to why a person drank, namely using alcohol to soothe the symptoms, such as depression or anxiety or blocking out traumatic event memories, because of how and where ethyl alcohol works in the brain. Feel free to contact me via email at lisaf@breakingthecycles.com for a more complete explanation.
Hi Lisa,
I totally agree with all being said, but before any nasty behaviours triggered by the disease….comes a choice!
The choice to drink (knowing you’ll behave nasty and hurt yourself and the others around you) or the choice NOT to drink.
And I’m still struggling to forgive that!
I can forgive the behaviours caused by the one who’s not thinking straight because he/she drank…but I can’t forgive the choice he/she made, knowing it will damage everyone.
My partner is in rehab at the moment and I just can’t go past everything that happened, althought he is trying hard in rehab.
Trust is lost, I am angry and can’t forgive the choices he made knowing he will distroy the relationship, hurt the people around, etc.
Very hard to explain and very hard to let go.
I totally agree with this! This is what I keep thinking and trying to get past, especially after my husband has been in outpatient treatment, inpatient treatment and again outpatient treatment. If he hasn’t learned the skills to not drink by now, how will he ever? I 100% feel that his drinking now is a choice. If he had a craving to drink he had a choice to use a technique not to cave into it, to call someone, change his thinking, etc. etc. A million things he could do to not drink, but he chooses to drink. He chooses to put alcohol ahead of himself and his family. How is this not a correct statement?
I feel extremely hurt and don’t really know how to get past the fact that he has chosen drinking over his family. He is sober right now but because he has to do a breathalizer 3 times a day or go to jail. I very much fear that he will start drinking again once he doesn’t have to do it anymore. He can stay sober to stay out of jail, but not for his family? How is that not a choice???
Please explain.
Hi Cathy – my answer is not specific to your husband, as I don’t know his medical history, but one of the key reasons people relapse is the failure of their treatment plan/programs to effectively treat the risk factors – especially childhood trauma (aka ACEs – Adverse Childhood Experiences); co-occurring mental illnesses; and early use. This last one (early use) informs where their brain was at developmentally, thus where they “locked in” the addiction behaviors/coping skills. If it was ages 14-16, for example, that person developed emotional coping skills with the emotions of a 14-16 y.o. and the coping skills of a 14-16 y.o. and the brain disease of alcoholism. Unfortunately – this is a very difficult thing to fully explain in a comment reply. You may find my latest book helpful – here’s the Amazon link but it’s also available at libraries, local bookstores, and other online retailers https://bitly.com/2kNoVLz+
Feel free to reach out to me by email at lisaf@breakingthecycles.com, and we can set up a phone call (no charge) to discuss this, as well.
Lisa
Here’s the thing, becoming an alcoholic can only be a choice. It is not a disease.
I believe this because it takes time to become an alcoholic , one does not become one overnight. It takes years of practice, and during that time the individual has to know that what they are doing is causing issues with their lives, and subsequently the lives of those around them – yet they continue.
I know that there are many who will disagree, but there has been many reputable studies done on this, and I invite anyone to research this.
I once had a significant other who drank to excess, and I watched her spiral down that hole with full knowledge of what it was doing to her and to our relationship. Yet she choose to continue; so I researched the subject extensively and have come to my conclusion.
The biggest problem that I have with the disease concept, is that it takes away the responsibility of the individual, and gives them the victim status – when the people in their lives are the actual victims.
Sure, they can sometimes change, and be worthy of forgiveness, but I believe that they still think that they are victims.
I myself used to drink to excess at times, but when doing this I always knew that I was failing my obligations to myself and to others – so I now only drink occasionally, and not to excess.
We are no longer together, and she has told me she was sorry, but never actually takes responsibility for her behavior, claiming only that she had a “problem”.
She has forever lost all credibility with me, and I’m sure with others in her life, and I do feel sorry for her, but I believe it was all her choice.
So to sum up, there is no way an individual can NOT know that drinking everyday is bad for you and so if you continue to do so, it is your choice.
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing your experiences and opinions on this. I know when I started studying the research back in 2003, I had the same views as you do. I wrote my “10 Year Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much” (released November 2019) to raise awareness and share the research sources that explain alcoholism (and other drug addictions) as brain diseases. Having said that, I respect your right to have a different opinion, and, again, thank you for your comment on this post.
Thank you for your thoughts on this, Lisa, and thank you for agreeing to disagree.
I would just like to add that there is no doubt in my mind that an alcoholic’s brain chemistry has changed, but it is due to the abuse of alcohol.
Of course at this point, you could say that they now have a brain disease, but it was caused by the alcohol abuse, not the other way around.
It’s possible that maybe there may have been incidents in their past that have made them more susceptible and hampered their coping skills to the point that are more prone to abuse.
But unless we are talking about an immature (such as a teen) person with an underdeveloped brain, or a physiological disability, I believe that the responsibility is with the individual, not with any physiological disease.
When I was younger I had an Uncle who was an alcoholic. When sober he was the kindest most gentle soul I knew, and a very good musician. It caused me great pain to see him at his worse.
Once, during the holidays he got a pass from rehab to visit. It was great!
He then asked me to drive him back to rehab, and then when we got there he asked me to come in and see what it was like, so I did.
I remember becoming very angry, because what I witnessed was my Uncle and others like him basically being told that it was not their fault.
I felt like yelling out that it was their fault, and that they needed to hear it.
I confess that I am old school, and was taught from a young age to suck it up when life throws curves balls at you. This may not be the best approach, but it worked for me.
In fact, back when I was playing in a band, I was partying and abusing all sorts of illicit drugs more often than not.
But when I finally decided that it was enough, I knew that it was my doing and I had to fix it.
If anything I hope that my experiences makes people think.
Also, I would add that really, any manner in which a person can recover is valid. It is really all about perspective.
Thanks
You raise so many good points, Peter — and so many of which I held before getting deep into this research — I’d spent almost 4 decades in relationships with loved ones who had alcohol use disorders.
The idea of choice was one of the toughest for me to understand, let alone explain. You are correct — it is absolutely someone’s “choice” to drink. Where “choice” gets muddled is in the ability to control or stop drinking.
Alcohol abuse is always the precursor to alcoholism – no question. It is what chemically and structurally changes the brain to make it more susceptible to the key risk factors for developing this particular disease (genetics, early use [drinking while the brain is going through it’s developmental stages from ages 12-early-to-mid 20s], having a mental illness, social environment, and having experienced childhood trauma [what scientific studies have now identified as adverse childhood experiences via the CDC-Kaiser ACE Study and the resulting toxic stress studies]. All five of these risk factors can have their separate but joint influence(s) on how a brain wires, maps, and develops.
If a person crosses the line from alcohol abuse to alcoholism, their brains now also have maps around the characteristics of this brain disease — cravings, tolerance, physical dependence, and loss of control. Where “choice” falls by the wayside, then, is when a person has developed alcoholism — they can no longer choose when or how much they drink — that choice is impossible. The only choice the person with a several alcohol use disorder (alcoholism) has at that point is to stop drinking all together, otherwise the ethyl alcohol chemicals in alcoholic beverages kick-start their all-things alcoholism brain maps. They must choose to not drink – period – and then to do whatever it is they need to do to repair, heal and rewire their brains. In other words, basically, to “choose” to get the help they need to change initial brain wiring around childhood trauma, mental illness, while developing adult-like emotional responses/processing skills if their use began in adolescences, etc…. It’s not easy to be sure, and it’s not done in 30 days. It takes time. They are healing brains wired, mapped, and used for however long and at whatever stages of brain development as I’ve described.
Again – I really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and experiences.
This makes me think of my own journey with Compulsive Gambling, last day gambled 11/28/23. I know it is different than alcoholism but I really can understand cause I have chosen to go and get help. Prior to getting help I’ve also been working on managing my mental illness with a specialist, which most likely helped me reach my decision.
I went in, 1:1 meetings each week, chose to stop Gambling at all. Now almost 4 months no gambling.
I almost feel like with the methods of addressing my mental health I got some power back into myself to push through the problem “disease.” Which ever label is suitable (adhd/bpd Brain dislikes labels)
Why I’m relating with this current topic is due to my own journey mixed with my sister who has barely been in my life much, always knew she drinks, had mental health issues as a child, dropped out of high school and moved away young, possibly already started drinking then.
She has had 3 DUIS has an suspended license but drove to my house in her car, tells me,” I’ll be fine I drive the back grounds.” Won’t listen when I say that’s not smart. Drives to my house, reeks of alcohol. We planned this for me to take her with my 4 year old to a baby shower and a few miles away from my home at 11 am she takes a 3/4 full bottle of whiskey and takes a swig. She then goes to tell me things that are upsetting her. All I hear besides a cry for help is blame on any and everyone, but herself. I try to communicate with her and get her to see the other side of the situation, but I get,” I know.” Repeatedly. I have barely been around her, how am I to know that you know is what I tell her..
Get to our parents place and go in to get their advise on my very quick to flip out of control sister main issue being she’s drinking out of an open container with my 4 year old in the car. I decide to go to my car she’s in and ask her to leave the bottle at their place.
“I’ll ride with mom.” She says.
Now I’m the bad guy, another soul to blame accept herself and she takes the bottle with her in my mother’s car.
Obviously she has a whirlwind of issues but this was not enough of a sign for her to stop drinking when her only sister who tries to bend over backwards to be nice to her and involve her in things is not going to let her expose her to a possible ticket for an open container, not just that but her 4 year old daughter in the car.
I had half a mind to drop her off the side of the highway, but safely drove her to our parents and back to my house. On the way back I did not let her drink.
She chooses to drink as of now but until she gets to that epiphany place in her life as I have, I don’t think she’s going to choose to not. I told her she can get help as I have, she didn’t say anything. We had an argument over our mom’s birthday with results in me pissing her off and ending with “You need to get help” and I hang up. Get a text message that says I don’t need help, I’m trying on my own. I’ll help myself. And proceeds to berate me for speaking to my parents about her drinking as if everyone in my moms car couldn’t smell her, or see her liquir bottle in the car. Now I’m to blame, again. I told her to communicate with me in person privately and calmly like an adult if you want to work this out and she declined to read my message. It’s been a week now and she posts a video about Scorpio and cancer signs being put together= completely unhinged, tagging me in it. Scorpio being possessive and cancer being controlling. I’ve been attempting to take the higher road and not let her own mental issues get to me, but with all the work I’ve put into myself to change and not be controlling, I decided to be a salty little b word and reply “I’m not watching that.” Although I did, and she says then don’t.
This has been the only thing she has said to me since I told her to be an adult and talk to me, which I know she said she didn’t read.
I take some time to mule over this situation and after 32 years of trying to have a good relationship with my sister, kiss her ass trying to fit in with her and her friends growing up cause I was a nerdy fat weirdo, just to be brushed off by her, made fun of, she moves and gets distance from the family and is doing her own thing and I still try to please her, be nice and accommodating even though I’ve been through the ringer myself.. I reply “you’re completely unhinged on your own, bye.”
She will chose to stop on her own, die in an accident (already was in a few while drinking) , in jail or from liver failure. Only the universe knows and time will tell. But this sister is done being a people pleaser with a lack of emotional boundaries. I can’t control what my sister decides to do, but I can control if she does it anywhere around me.
Sorry for the long post but what brought me here in the first place is… Should I forgive my possibly alcoholic sister? And what would you say in short to others whom ask why you’ve cut ties with your blood relative?
Hi Jerica,
I’m afraid your questions require answers beyond the scope of a reply here. I’m happy to schedule a call with you to talk about your concerns. These calls generally last about an hour, and there is no charge. Send me an email to lisaf@breakingthecycles.com if you’d like to arrange a call.
In the meantime, you may want to purchase my latest book https://www.amazon.com/10th-Anniversary-Loved-Youd-Stop/dp/0981684483.
The first half explains alcohol use disorders (drinking problems) – how they’re developed and treated and what long-term recovery requires. In the case of alcohol abuse, for example, it’s possible to learn to “re-drink,” but in the case of alcoholism (aka severe alcohol use disorder), it must be total abstinence from alcohol, yet in both cases, there are other brain healing aspects necessary in order to address “why” a person finds themselves drinking to these extents in the first place (e.g., trauma, anxiety, depression, social environment…). Here is a link to the National Institue of Alcohol Abuse and Alcohcoholism (NIAAA) explanation of effective treatment for alcohol problems https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/brochures-and-fact-sheets/treatment-alcohol-problems-finding-and-getting-help#pub-toc1
The second half of my book explains what happens to family members and friends (i.e., codependency or what I refer to as secondhand drinking) and what they can do to take back control of their physical and emotional health and the quality of their lives and support their loved one.
The book also comes in a Kindle version, which allows you to download it immediately and read it without someone else knowing, which may be helpful at this time.
~ Lisa
Lisa Frederiksen
Author | Speaker | Consultant
Founder of BreakingTheCycles.com
Disclaimer: The purpose of these consulting sessions/phone calls is to provide information. Lisa Frederiksen will make every effort to ensure the information she imparts is as accurate as possible but no warrant of fitness is implied and any decision or action taken based on said information is the caller’s choice and responsibility alone. Caller understands that Lisa Frederiksen is not a medical doctor, therapist, social worker or similarly licensed professional. Caller and Lisa Frederiksen agree NOT to tape or record these consulting sessions/phone calls.
My boyfriend had an alcoholic father he was given alcohol at a very young age. He was getting drunk by the age of 14. They lived to go to the pub. It was as if his parents made him an alcoholic. I’ve been very hurt and emotionally damaged by his abuse. I believed the lie that he loved me but now think they’re not capable of love.
My husband recently died because of alcoholism and no one in the family knew about it. Nine years ago he had liver problems caused by a reaction to statins and was drinking a couple of beers a day (or so I thought). He nearly died that time and swore he was never going to touch alcohol again as he was worried about what damage had been done to his liver due to the statins.
We got through six years and he asked me if he could have one beer a week if he went to the doctor and got his liver enzymes checked. I agreed and he did this and all seemed fine, I saw the results of the blood tests and everything seemed fine.
A further two years passed and he decided he was going to have two beers a week which I didn’t agree with but he did it anyway.
A year further on he developed jaundice, just like last time, and I knew it was going to be the same as the last hospital admission except this time he didn’t recover. I saw his medical records after he died and it is just constant alcohol abuse, and large amounts at that. Not once did he accept help to overcome it so I don’t understand why he saw the doctor about it at all.
I feel completely betrayed, angry, and humiliated as I had no idea at all as he held down a good job and I never once detected the smell of alcohol on his breath. In addition, it looks like he had an affair with a work colleague so I am having to deal with finding that out as well since he died. And as if all that isn’t bad enough it looks like his life insurance is not going to pay out because of his alcohol abuse.
Six months ago I thought I had a happy marriage with a lovely husband and we had both worked hard to ensure financial security in our old age, now I feel like I never knew him at all.
Dear Fi – I am so, so very sorry to hear what you are going through. If you’d like to talk with me via a phone call, please send me an email at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com, and we can schedule a time to talk. There is no charge. ~Lisa
Iam a Alcoholic,Please help me , I have done all of these things , I can go 30 days with out drinking ,and if I drink, I only have 4 BEERS IN 4 HOURES, truly , but can’t seem to stop . still want to just have a beer, 1 per HR , is this wrong ?
Hi Alex – please send me an email to lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com so we can arrange a time for a phone call (no charge) during which I can better answer your questions and share important information and resources that may help you. Thank you, Lisa
I’ve been in a relationship with an alcoholic for 17 years. I’ve been mentally, emotionally, and physically abused. I’ve been told it is all my fault. I’ve also been abused by his alcoholic parents. The last 2 years have been the worst because he also had an affair with another alcoholic. I’ve heard the “I’m sorry” ,” I promise I’ll be better “, ” I’ll never hurt you again “, “please give me one more chance “, but it never ends. I have left now but the damage is more than I can handle. I am severely depressed. He is now in rehab after a car wreck under the influence. This is his 3rd DUI. So he now faces felony charges. This is the only reason he went into rehab, to save himself. He never would for me or our son. Now he has the audacity to ask me to support him in rehab. All I was ever told was that “everything ” was my fault. I was the reason he drank. He was never around for me and our son. His friends, family, everybody else came first. My son and I have suffered a great deal, financially as well. Now he claims to love us and cries for forgiveness. But I am angry now and I think I hate him. If I voice my feelings he says,”I’m in rehab now and need to hear positive not negative. If you can’t support me I have other people who will”. No matter what I am insignificant, ignored. What he wants and needs is all that matters drunk or sober. I need to find a way to recover myself. I don’t know how. I just cry or I’m angry.
Hi Marisa – I am so very sorry to hear of what you are going through. I would be happy to talk with you by phone (there is no charge) in order to answer your questions and offer information on possible next steps to help yourself. Please send me an email at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com to arrange a date/time for a call. ~Lisa
I didn’t know my husband was an alcoholic until we married and found myself ALONE every night. I was young dumb and scared. I had never known anyone with a drinking problem. No sex, intimacy, conversation, time alone together. Not even one night a year would he choose me over drinking. I stayed for 30 years without even the slightest bit of affection. I gave away my sexuality, youth and my dreams of marriage. I suffer from depression, low self esteem and anger. I am 64 years old and I finally got the courage to leave. I only wish I had loved myself more because he didn’t.
Please, RUN! Don’t walk! It doesn’t get better and all you good years will fly away. They will always choose pornography over you any day. Alcohol and porn go hand in hand. They won’t appreciate your beauty or your friendship, they are too far gone to even know that I slept next to him every night for 30 years!
My husband of 10 years (17 together) has never officially quit drinking. He drinks every day. Sometimes it’s only a few beers, sometimes it’s constant. He knows he has a problem, but he’s “managed” it on and off for years at a time – which has kept him from completely committing to quitting ever. That being said he has these unexplained stints (this time about a month so far) where he’s completely “off the wagon” – which I don’t even know if I can say since he’s never officially quit drinking. This used to be less frequent, and only for a couple of days at a time, now it’s happening more regularly and for a longer period of time, and I’m at a loss. He’s sleeping or drinking or yelling right now. We never know when he’s going to show up and when he’s not. He’s had issues with anger outbursts in the past few years when things have gotten bad (mostly at home, but also in public – which has been humiliating for my family). It’s exhausting and chaotic and devastating for me and my two little kids who are 7 and 3 (who don’t understand or know what to think). The worst part is that he’s in sales and drinking at lunch meetings / afternoon meetings / any time of the day meetings is perfectly acceptable. The problem is when that happens for him is it doesn’t stop after that meeting. This isn’t just his job, it’s his industry. He’s left jobs in the past trying to see if it would help and somehow he always lands the next one that’s the same situation – clearly because that’s the lifestyle he’s choosing day in and day out. I am at a complete loss of what you do when you love someone and see them be an amazing man/father/husband at times and don’t want to throw away everything, but also know you can’t continue to live life in a chaotic mess and expose children to it. They are heartbroken. I am heartbroken and I’m constantly questioning my own decisions wondering if I’m making the right decision to stick around for the good he has to offer while exposing my kids (and myself) to the disaster that we are always anxiously waiting for.
I am so sorry to hear all of what you’re going through Natalie. I offer free phone, Skype, What’sApp or Zoom calls. If you’d like to talk about this, send me an email at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com. In the meantime, you may want to check out my latest book, 10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much. The first half covers how a person develops, stops, treats, recovers from an alcohol use disorder, and the second half is what happens to the family members and what they can do to help themselves.
Thank you for your post and insight. This is exactly what I needed to read. There’s so many stories and I know I’ve lived my own. I think the explanation of the disease and how it effects a loved ones life makes sense. My husband has been an alcoholic and at first I brushed it off from being a problem. All the lies and package that comes with alcoholism is tough to deal with but I think I could forgive him. One thing that I wonder if I’m alone is how I have changed. I would say I’m strong in the fact that I never let him blame me for his drinking or when he turned the situation around on me I would hold my ground. The biggest thing I do regret is the anger and hate from myself towards him. I definitely took part in emotional abuse even almost getting to the point of physical. He was never been physical with me, but the anger during situations I would say the most hurtful things and wanted to physically hurt him. It’s been a mix of hurt sadness but then anger and rage. During the moment it’s almost like I can’t control it and want to get back at him. Then after I feel like i don’t even know who I’ve become I don’t want to blame him but I also just feel horrible about the things I’ve done.
Hi Janie – it is absolutely normal for you to have changed and for anger and hate towards your loved one to be part of that change. I’m happy to talk with you about this. I offer free phone, zoom or skype phone calls. If you’re interested, please send me an email to lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com, and we can schedule a time. Lisa
I’ve been seeing someone for about four months and many times when we hung out early on I could tell that he had been drinking before I got there. My father was an alcoholic growing up so I am acutely aware of any change in behavior from someone drinking . And also in trying to establish a relationship, I feel it makes it a bit difficult to get to know someone if they are under the influence. Now a few months into the relationship, and I am willing to set boundaries. I requested that he doesn’t drink before we hangout (and that we could have a drink together) and after this deliberate request he shows up still having had a few drinks. I feel bad like I am being a Debbie downer and that I am the one with a problem. It is very hard to draw a boundary because it just feels like I’m being insensitive and unloving (and unfun, unsocial, unkind, etc.etc.). He is not abusive or anything towards me. So I almost feel unjustified. Though he did tell me recently that he does struggle with alcohol. How would someone suggest that I proceed with this relationship? Should I just make the ultimatum that he can’t drink before we hang out?, — it seems like that puts me in a bad positiOn being very demanding and all the things listed above. I told him I don’t want to be angry about it and I forgive him and still want to have fun but he is clearly kind of checked out and under the influence so it’s hard because it doesn’t feel genuine. Should I just walk away ? When he send me sorry texts and that he misses me after he leaves, should I forgive him right away with. Pleasant, “I miss you too,” back? Many thanks.
Hi KC – your boundaries are totally reasonable. We do not have to accommodate unacceptable behaviors so a significant other / loved one can continue drinking. Additionally, because of the way alcohol use disorders change brain health and function, a person can promise (and mean it) not to drink but drink anyway. It’s a complicated. To better understand, you may want to ready my latest book, “10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much.” (It comes in paperback and eReader – like Kindle – versions.)
The first half explains alcohol use disorders – how they’re developed and treated and what long-term recovery requires. In the case of alcohol abuse, for example, it’s possible to learn to “re-drink,” but in the case of alcoholism, it must be total abstinence from alcohol, yet in both cases, there are other brain healing aspects necessary in order to address “why” a person finds themselves drinking to these extents in the first place. The second half of the book explains what happens to family members and friends and what they can do to take back control of their lives.
If you’d like to talk with me directly, please email me at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com and we can arrange a free call.
My mum was an alcoholic most of my life until she died when I was 27. We lost the battle. I was angry as a child, but nature protects the child at the time , with consequences later. I didn’t feel sad then. Now I’m very sad and angry, and my life is a struggle in a few areas. It’s taken 20 years for the grief to emerge. The title of your book is word for word what I said to her every day for 20 years when she drank. I’m sad now, as the lasting effects on me have had horrid consequences for the people I care for most in my life now. I want to break this cycle of trauma before it’s too late. I want to move into a place of forgiveness and acceptance- for her and for me.
I’m so sorry, Adam. If you’d like to send me an email to lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com we can arrange a phone call to talk about what’s going on for you. You may also want to read my book — not trying to sell books — as it may help you understand what both you and your mom were going through. It’s the research that was hugely helpful to me. Again – I’m more than happy to schedule a call with you. Lisa
What do you do if the spouse has died of drowning in the bath with 200mg alcohol blood measure, having secretly reverted to binge drinking? How to forgive the deception and trauma caused to me and the family?
I’m very, very sorry, Peter, for what you and your family have gone through. I’m afraid your questions require answers beyond the scope of a reply here. I’m happy to schedule a call with you to talk about your concerns. These calls generally last about an hour, and there is no charge. Send me an email to lisaf@breakingthecycles.com if you’d like to arrange a call.