Communication in Families with Alcohol Use Disorder
Communication in families with alcohol use disorder can feel like a minefield of misunderstandings. It’s just about impossible to say what you really want to say because that would be taking a stand against drinking behaviors. And we feel paralyzed just considering doing something like that. Think about it.
Can you imagine telling someone who is drunk what you really think when they ask, “What’s the matter with you?” Or, “What’d you do with my car keys, dam*_@?” Or, “I told you kids to shut up — I’ve got a headache and can’t take the noise. Just what don’t you understand about knock it off?” Other examples are shared in the image to the right which also explains how they happen.
But basically they happen when a person drinks more alcohol (which contains ethyl alcohol chemicals) than their liver can process. This excess then changes the way brain cells “talk” to one another. And it is the changed “talking” that causes a person with alcohol use disorder to say and do some awful, hurtful, mean, destructive things.
What Happens to Family Members Trying to Communicate in Families with Alcohol Use Disorder
They change. They change because this effort to communicate when they do not understand alcohol use disorders repeatedly activates their fight-or-flight stress response. This results in secondhand drinking (explained in image to the right).
It also changes how they communicate.
They start to react to their emotions of fear, anger, disbelief or anxiety in order to ‘safely’ respond. This safe response is what keeps them safe or so they believe.
But this way of communicating is bad for their physical and emotional health because it’s bad for their brain. It changes the way their brain cells “talk” to one another. In their case it’s toxic stress causing the changes. In the person with alcohol use disorder it’s the ethyl alcohol chemicals. [Of course what goes into creating toxic stress or developing alcohol use disorder is far more complicated than this simple statement.]
To improve communication in families with alcohol use disorder try answering the words, not your emotion.
Helping Families Change Their Communication
As you would gather, to change how a family member communicates they much change how their brain cells talk to one another. This article provides some of the deeper detail on why the suggestions below can help with that effort.
- Try to answer the words, not the emotion. For example, if someone says, “What’s the matter with you?” Instead of getting defensive or lying and saying, “Nothing,” try, “I’m not sure, but I know I’ll figure it out — just need some time.” If that person keeps coming at you, trying to needle you to go deeper, restate your words and walk away (yes, it’s okay to walk away – it does not mean you’ve lost or they’ve won — you just don’t know what’s wrong and will figure it out).
- Keep your answer very simple. Don’t get defensive and go on and on in order to explain why they should take you at your word. Just make a short, simple statement. If they push you, repeat your short, simple statement.
- Feel free to ask for clarification. If your short, simple statements are not working, ask, “Maybe I don’t understand what you are asking. I thought you wanted to know what was wrong with me. Is that what you’d asked?”(And, watch your tone of voice — if you aren’t feeling defensive or angry, then your voice will come across as simply wanting clarification.)
- Remember that words are words and emotions are reactions that can be all over the place. This is not to imply in any way that you shouldn’t have an emotional reaction to what is said, but assigning a fact or realty to an emotion can get you into trouble. So, keep your feelings and emotions in check and just answer the words. Remember, you can always come back to the conversation later should you figure out there was more to the root of your emotion — something worth telling the other person.
Now, this is going to take practice — a lot of practice — especially if you’ve been doing it the other way for a long time. But, you will be gratefully surprised at how freeing it is, because in time, you will believe in your heart the importance of answering a person’s words, not the emotions you assign to them.
Bottom Line
There is far, far more to all of this than I can explain in a short blog post. I wrote my latest book, 10th Anniversary Edition If You Loved Me, You’d Stop! What you really need to know when your loved one drinks too much, for reasons like those I’ve shared here.
The first half explains alcohol use disorders — how they’re developed and treated and what long-term recovery requires. In the case of alcohol abuse, for example, it’s possible to learn to “re-drink.” But in the case of alcoholism, it must be total abstinence from alcohol. Yet in both cases, there are other brain healing aspects necessary in order to address “why” a person finds themselves drinking to these extents in the first place. The second half explains what happens to family members and friends and what they can do to take back control of their physical and emotional health and the quality of their lives. The book comes in both paperback and Kindle (or other eReader formats).
Lastly, I offer free phone, Zoom or Skype calls to answer individual questions. There is no charge. If you’d like to schedule such a call, please send me an email to lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com.
Lisa Frederiksen
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