Rewire your brain. Is that really possible? And if so, how does that contribute to extraordinary parenting?

Today’s guest author is Bob Lancer, Speaker/Author/Coach/Consultant and founder of BobLancer.com. He has spent 30-plus years professionally working with parents and has developed a number of programs, including The Method for Parenting.

End Parent Frustration & Rewire Your Brain For Extraordinary Parenting by Bob Lancer

Having spent the past 30-plus years professionally working with parents of all backgrounds, what has become clear is that parental frustration is the result of parents being “held hostage” by the pre-programmed “wiring” of their brains. This “wiring” drives parents to react to their children’s behavior, and to select parenting strategies, that mismatch the child’s and the parent’s actual needs in the present context.

Instead of accurately responding to deeply focused observation on what is going on between parent and child in the present context, including the deep emotional dimension of parent and child, the parent mis-reacts in ways that were forged by past conditioning.

For example, if a child ignores the parent’s directions, instead of the parent recognizing that the child had no intention of disrespectful defiance, the parent may react to imagined disrespectful defiance if that is the sort of reaction displayed by his own parents in his early childhood.

Beyond this, even if blatant defiance was at issue, a severely aggressive, angry reaction would be out of proportion to the needs of the situation, overriding the reality that a more compassionate, patient, understanding response would have resolved the problem in a way that proves far more beneficial the child, the parent and the relationship between the two.

Reactions Hijacked by Past Conditioning

The reality is that children need to experiment with the boundaries of self-will. A loving, understanding response could involve the parent in firmly but lovingly insisting on cooperation and that could have achieved cooperation while preserving the loving harmony and emotional trust in the relationship. At the same time, the child would be learning from the parent’s modeling to be more self-aware and more kind and respectful, to demonstrate greater self-control when she receives opposition to her desires.

Frustration occurs when we expect a different outcome from our way of handling a situation. It is a signal that we are “going against the flow”, engaging in a futile power-struggle, trying to “fit a square peg into a round hole” in the specific situation facing us. In other words, it is telling us that we are not responding to what is actually going on. Our reaction has been hijacked by past conditioning.

Parents who suffer the most sever degrees of frustration, unhappiness, anger and other forms of emotional overwhelm with their children reveal in those reactions their own early childhood trauma patterning. The trauma pattern was created in the parent when, as a young child he was made to feel helpless, powerless, and desperately dependent upon a non-existent source for feelings of safety, connection, love and even existence. When we overlook our child’s emotional needs, the child feels a sense of not mattering, not being worthy of love, not really existing as a true self, because the environment is presenting feedback that seems to say, “What you are feeling is not real.”

Rewiring the Brain for Extraordinary Parenting

My deeper work with parents therefore involves releasing them from the trauma patterns that seize control of their thoughts and emotions – seizes control of their mindset going into the present parenting experience. The parents I work with achieve this liberation in two stages. First, I guide them through a mindfulness meditation practice that I call The Method. This re-sets their brain, helping them to recognize the pre-programmed nature of their current, self-defeating mindset. As they dis-identify with this old mindset, I train them in applying the 7 Mindsets to their present parenting challenge. (See www.7mindsets.com to learn how these mindsets are being taught through 7 Mindsets Social Emotional Learning curriculums in schools.)

The most extensive research to date has demonstrated that deliberately employing these 7 Mindsets re-wires the brain to match the patterns of the happiest and most successful individuals on the planet, and even throughout history. Even without going through The Method for recovery of the true self, the 7 Mindsets practiced deliberately and consistently, particularly with the assistance of regular coaching (that is the service I provide to parents), transforms the parent’s brain-wiring for more conscious and constructive, loving and fruitful ways of supporting their child’s fulfillment of her greater potential. At the same time, the parent is passing onto the child these very same 7 Mindsets that empower the child to lead her ultimate life and live that life as her authentic and authentically joyful true self.