Emotional sobriety vs. just abstinence is a significant piece to one’s success in “living” their lives in recovery from alcohol or other drug addictions (substance use disorders). As today’s guest author, Kate Adermann, explains, “[t]he only thing worse than being caught up in active addiction is to live an abstinent life without having emotional sobriety.”  As she goes on to explain, “I found myself celebrating one year sober but still wanting to die. I was suffering from insomnia and depression. I was still obsessing over getting high. I thought about myself one hundred percent of the time. Though I didn’t understand why I was feeling this way, I knew that I didn’t get sober to feel this way. I got sober so I could put an end to the chaos in my life and begin to love life again.”

I invite you to read Kate’s article in which she describes what she did to achieve emotional sobriety and truly change her recovery and life. Kate Adermann is an avid writer from Memphis, TN. She does freelance writing and writes for PAX Memphis to spread awareness around addiction and help shatter the stigmas that surround it.

Emotional Sobriety: Changing my Life after Putting the Drugs Down by Kate Aldermann

When I first got sober, I thought that all I had to do was figure out how to put the drugs down for good. It took me over a year to realize that there was far more to sobriety than just abstinence. I found myself celebrating one year sober but still wanting to die. I was suffering from insomnia and depression. I was still obsessing over getting high. I thought about myself one hundred percent of the time. Though I didn’t understand why I was feeling this way, I knew that I didn’t get sober to feel this way. I got sober so I could put an end to the chaos in my life and begin to love life again.

While I felt like I was stuck in this dark emotional state, I reached out to a woman who I looked up to. She had 10 years sober at the time and was somebody whom I looked up to. She explained to me that during the last year, I had only been abstinent. I wasn’t truly sober.

She explained to me that substance abuse was only a symptom of the problem. I had to reconcile the fact that there was much more wrong with me than just the substances. If I were to be happy in sobriety, I needed to change my outlook on life, the way I treated other people, and make an effort to live a pure, unselfish life.

Abstinence vs. emotional sobriety

The only thing worse than being caught up in active addiction is to live an abstinent life without having emotional sobriety. For me, putting the drugs down was hard enough, but cleaning up my life is a reprieve that I continue to work on daily. If I fail to keep up the maintenance of my emotional sobriety, my physical sobriety will begin to suffer, and I will surely lose the sobriety I have attained. Maintaining the sobriety I have today means I must work on a consistent basis to be the best person I can be and to correct my wrongs when I fall short.

Living in the moment

Before I got sober my mind was constantly stuck in emotional turmoil. The incessant thoughts ran rampant like a broken hamster wheel. I would constantly obsess over the night before, how I was going to get more money for more drugs, how I was going to run and hide from any pain or hurt I had caused, and how I would avoid the withdrawals that were sure to come the next morning. The cycle went on and on without an end in sight.

Even without the drugs in my system, I can still suffer from the spinning thoughts in my head. I am the kind of person who wants to fix things right away – I don’t want to wait for the proper time and place. Living in the moment means I accept life on life’s terms. I take the waves as they crash into me. I take each day as the sun rises and end each day as the sun sets.

Accepting life as it comes isn’t as easy as it may sound. It requires a lot of quiet time in still meditation. It requires deep breathing and the knowledge that people, places, and things around me are out of my control. As badly as I want to control and change situations to suit my own needs, I have to take a deep breath and release my worries and anxieties into the universe. I must remember that the future is unforeseen. I don’t have the ability to predict what will happen one year, one month, one week, or even one hour from the present moment. I have to remember that the past is the past – all I can do is to take responsibility for what I have done and change my behaviors.

Cleaning up my past

I hurt a lot of people when I was actively using. I put my mother through thousands of sleepless nights where she would lay awake wondering if she would ever see me alive again. I put her, and others, through pain, fear, and discord. Knowing that I can’t go back and change what is already done, I must have enough humility to admit where I went wrong and do everything possible to change.

When I finally scrounged up the courage to go to my mom and make amends for the past, I was full of anxiety and fear. Tears were pooling up behind my eyes before I even sat down to talk with her. I spent a few minutes in meditation to gather my thoughts, then approached her in a compassionate, apologetic manner. I described to her exactly the things I had done to hurt her and why that was wrong of me. I then made an important promise to her – that I would be a better daughter from that point on. I promised her honesty, openness, and love. I promised her I would try my best to be the daughter she deserved – to be the daughter she raised me to be.

Today I call my mom every evening and tell her I love her. I assure her that I am still sober so that she doesn’t have to worry about me and is able to sleep through the night. By cleaning up my past, I am taking responsibility for the things I have done. In early sobriety, I blamed everybody but myself for my actions. I was hesitant to admit where I went wrong. I made my mom feel as though she was a bad mother – when this was so far from the truth.

Cleaning up my past means showing regret for my wrongdoings, and continuing to heal the relationships that mean the world to me. In doing this, I am living a life free of fear and free from continuing to hurt the people around me.

Helping others

As an addict, I am selfish in nature. I think about myself, I do things for myself, and talk about myself. Even sober, my main focus is usually myself. It is baffling how I can hate myself in active addiction but think I am so great in sobriety. Either way, I am still thinking only about myself.

If I want to steer away from misery and grow my emotional sobriety, it is imperative that I think of others. Of all the times I should have died, I survived. After all the people I have hurt, I am still loved. Essentially, there must be a reason for my existence. I have come to believe that my purpose in life is to give of myself to help others.

When I am actively talking to newly sober addicts, I am not thinking about myself. I am thinking of what my story and experience have to offer them and how I can devote my time to helping them stay sober by showing them what works for me.

Even outside of the recovery community I can still help others. At a year and a half sober, I began volunteering at a soup kitchen for the homeless. Dedicating time and effort to these hungry, desperate people reaped boundless rewards for me. Not only did it take my mind off of myself, but it bestowed on me gratitude that should never be forgotten.

It allowed me to recognize how many blessings I have in my life today, such as food, shelter, and warmth. It showed me how happy others are when I do little things to help them. Between volunteering and helping newly sober addicts, I get to watch the light come back on in people’s eyes. I get to watch desperate, hopeless people be restored with a sense of faith in humanity. By helping others and doing service, I not only found my purpose, but I found true beauty in a sober life. I found the happiness and peace I was searching for by getting sober.