Oh my grief by MaryBeth Cichocki
“Now he is gone, and I’m told I have to accept and go on. How does a mother learn to accept the death of her youngest child? There are no magic pills that will make my shattered heart whole again,” wrote MaryBeth Cichocki in her 2015 post, Coping With a Son’s Death by Drug Overdose.
As the mom of two daughters whose world would shatter if one of them died, I can hardly, barely imagine the depth of MaryBeth’s pain and grief. When I read her poem this morning, I asked her if I could share it. Every year, tens of thousands of “new” parents, siblings, grandparents, spouses, and children face similar grief and grief when their loved one dies of addiction. And every year tens of millions of parents, siblings, grandparents, spouses, and children live through another year of it.
MaryBeth is determined to do whatever she can to help another child, another parent, another family, which includes working to extend insurance coverage for 90 days in residential treatment/rehab (vs the current 28 days) and to promote and support efforts to regulate sober living homes in Florida. She also writes a blog, MothersHeartbreak.com, to help others whose child has a drug use problem and welcomes your emails: mecichocki@gmail.com, and phone calls: 302-561-4619.
As for what readers can do to help?
Learn more about addiction. It is not a caused by a shameful lack of willpower nor is to a character defect. It is a chronic, often relapsing brain disease. Therefore it must be treated the same way we treat any other chronic disease.
So please, help spread the word. It is what MaryBeth Cichocki would want.
Oh my grief by MaryBeth Cichocki
Oh my grief, please take a holiday. Let me wake just one day without the lump in my throat and the heaviness on my chest.
Let not my first thought be of my dead son, but of what possibilities this new day has in store for me. Just one day let there be joy in my heart and a skip in my step.
Just one day allow me to be who I used to be before Matt’s death. Allow my heart a reprieve from the brokenness I live with everyday. Allow a bit of joy to seep into the cracks that have scarred my heart forever.
Just one day let the memories come without the tears. Without the aching or longing to turn back the clock before my life was forever changed.
Please grief allow just one holiday without the physical pain of missing Matt. Just a few hours when I can feel something other than profound loss and regret. Just one holiday where the Loss doesn’t take away from the blessings.
Please grief take a break and let me take a breath. Allow me just a day of “normal”. I want to be that mom in the grocery store shopping in anticipation of an Easter gathering, not the mom who breaks down in the potato chip aisle. I want to fit in just for a while. I want to FEEL something other than sorrow.
Please grief have pity on me. Loosen your grip on my heart. I want to smile as I watch other mothers choose Easter baskets for their children. I want to remember those days without that piercing pain in my heart. I want to rejoice in the fact that spring has finally arrived.
Please grief go on vacation. Just for a while. I want to walk on the beach without tears in my eyes. I want to hear the seagulls cry and feel the sea breeze on my face. I want to think of my beautiful boy and know he is safe in heaven. I want to live without regret and guilt.
Please grief just for a time I need you to loosen your grip and let me learn what it feels like to feel. What it feels like to escape grief brain. I want to run far away from you and never look back. Please just for a moment allow me to find peace.
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So sad and beautiful. Having experienced loss, I will tell you that you will be capable of feeling joy again. However, you will never be the same. Life will never be the same, but it can still be good. Love and light to you.
Thank you Debbie. Your comment gives me hope.
From one mother to another who also experienced the loss of a child, I understand. I understand the desperate desire to just breathe & to just feel normal among others.
I promise you those moments will come. They will come in moments, then minutes & eventually even hours. While your grief will never go away, you will learn to walk through it.
You will learn to grasp onto the funny, happy & precious memories of your sweet son. And it’s those memories & the strength that you draw from family, friends & God that will sustain you.
I am comforted in the knowledge that my daughter is truly safe in the arms of Jesus. I will pray that you, too, will find that comfort & peace.
Thank you Sandi. As you know it’s a difficult journey. Thank you for your encouraging message and compassion.
MaryBeth,
You WILL discover your new “normal”. Patience required. It is a rollercoaster ride and you have my heartfelt sympathy.
The loss is unbearable, breathe.
Half a day at a time.
Be VERY kind to yourself.
Know you were loved, extremely loved.
Be thankful for the time you were given and find peace, knowing your son is now in paradise.
With love,
Kristens mom (forever 31)
Teri, thank you so much for your beautiful comment. As you know this grief as I do. It’s been 4 years and I’m still reeling from his absence. I’m learning to be kind to myself again. I’m trying every day to find a bit of joy. Hugs to you.
Thank you for sharing. I lost my only child Alec and he was 22. He died January 19, 2016. I live every single day with grief, depression and guilt. I wish God would just take me so I can be with my beautiful son. I have family and friends who I am eternally grateful for being there, but I feel so empty without my child. He was my life. I miss him so much that the pain can become so unbearable. My heart goes out to you and your family. I pray you find the strength to live a happy life and cherish each moment you have with your other children.
Diane. Our lives will never be the same. Even though I have another child Matt’s absence is painful beyond belief. As you know the loss of a child overshadows all else. I pray for all of us who live with this pain. May you find your peace.
My first son died 12/28/17 I was with him every day as he worked for me. My daughter is in recovery 6 months sober. There are no words to describe my loss. I pray for death every minute of every day,yet I have to be here for my daughter. I fear I will never feel love,joy happiness. The day he died,I died. I’ve tried everything to get better, I cannot. For those of you who have, I envy you
So sorry for ur loss, I lost my son 3 years this August to an overdose. I can tell you I will always have that hole in my heart . I honestly feel if it wasn’t for my grandchildren, I would have fell apart .
Jo, I’m so sorry for your loss. Addiction is the most misunderstood disease. I’m glad your grandchildren bring you joy. I wish Matt had a child but he was single. May God give you his peace.
From yet another mother that has lost her child to an overdose! It is a lonely journey and one that I feel we have to find our own way to deal with. We each have our own emotions, feelings and we each had our own relationship with our beautiful child. I find it hard to walk down the cereal aisle in the grocery store and see a box of Captain Crunch. I avoid the cereal aisle if at all possible. I talk to my son when I’m in the car on the way to work & on the way home. Sometimes I just chatter about the sunrise/sunset, how much I love & miss him or I just rant and rave at him for leaving me. It was 3 years in January when he left me. My grief and sorrow has changed, but my life is also changed forever in so many ways that most people will never understand. Thoughts and prayers to you and yours.
Susan, it was 4 years for me in January and it still feels like yesterday. I know you probably understand that feeling. I like you avoid the potato chip isle as I’ve had too many gut punches in that aisle after seeing a bag of Salt and Vinegar chips Matt’s favorite. I also talk to Matt when I’m walking in the park. I catch people looking at me and I realize I’m not just talking in my head but out loud. You are right about grief and sorrow changing us. I feel like the before and after version of myself. Unless you live this grief you could never come close to understanding the life altering heartbreak. I wish you peace.
I envy those who can get on with their grief from losing a child today I buried much only daughter 34 years ago she was killed by hit and run drunk driver in the courts only gave her two years so I have to I have to go with that in my heart too a part of me a whole part of me went with her she was only 13 years old she’s a beautiful girl I miss her so much you tell me how to get on the grief I’m laying here crying today just like it was yesterday please tell me how to get on with this. 45 years ago I lost the baby I didn’t even get to hold him he was so tiny this is running my life sometimes I don’t even want to get out of bed I don’t get dressed I’m sorry putting this on you I just needed a I need friend I’m sorry for your loss and supposed to be a a club ask Jesus every day to take me I have two other wonderful children two sons one stays with me and takes care of me I don’t want to put my burden on you anymore please no you’re in my prayers and thoughts thank you for listening