Why codependents find it hard to receive is a question answered in today’s post by frequent guest author, Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT. As Darlene writes, “Codependents, find it hard to receive. Codependents are more comfortable giving or even self-sacrificing than receiving. Yet they wonder why they’re….”

Darlene is the author of Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You, and her latest eBook is titled, Dealing with a Narcissist, 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People. She can be reached at info@darlenelancer.com or you may wish to follow her on Facebook or visit her website www.whatiscodependency.com.

Why It’s Hard to Receive by Darlene Lancer, JD, MFT

How do you feel when you receive a compliment or a gift? Do you ever ask for a favor or help, or would you rather do it yourself? These are just small examples of why you may not be getting the love you want in a relationship. In healthy relationships there is a daily exchange of love, help, and cooperation.

Codependency

Codependents, find it hard to receive. Codependents are more comfortable giving or even self-sacrificing than receiving. Yet they wonder why they’re in relationships with “selfish” or narcissistic partners. They might fantasize receiving, but keep right on giving and not suspect that their predicament is not just due to their partners’ selfishness, but also due to their own difficulty in receiving. It is a symptom of deeper issues that may be hidden in our unconscious. Until resolved remain obstacles to receiving real love.

Here are a few of the obstacles and beliefs that prevent us from receiving:

Shame

A major reason we have trouble receiving is shame. We don’t feel worthy, and feel too flawed, undeserving, or unlovable. We might not trust people’s intentions or find it hard to believe they care enough about us to give or do something for us unless there is an equal exchange. We think, “Why would someone do that for me or say those nice things?”

Shame also makes us reluctant to reveal aspects of ourselves we disown (don’t know about) or disparage. If needs, wants, or dependency were shamed in childhood, we learned to be self-sufficient and not ask or want anything from someone else—a far better solution than to experience shame when we’re vulnerable. As adults, we expect or attract other people to react as our parents did. We might repress our needs and wants so much that it might never occur to us to ask for help.

Control and Safety

When we receive we’re in a more vulnerable position. Imagine someone listening to us talk long time, helping us physically, unilaterally sexually pleasuring us, or even driving us somewhere. Receiving requires that we trust someone to have “power” over us. An abusive partner is unsafe. If we’ve been abused or controlled in the past, being in so vulnerable position could make us feel unsafe even with someone who isn’t. We don’t want to be judged or be controlled. We rather be in control than have someone control us. This is based on past dysfunctional experiences of being in relationships based on control, rather than respect and cooperation.

A corollary to this is the fear that we might owe the other person. We fear that we’re a burden or that we’ll be indebted to someone who now has our IOU. To avoid this, we might want to even the score and immediately give back in some way or pay for what we get. We don’t believe that we have a right to say “no” to any request they may make on us in the future.

Do you ever feel you must return a favor? This is irrational, false guilt. Giving for free is a novel concept when we grow up with parents who give with strings attached or parents who complain about or envy what they give and do for us.

Fear of Intimacy

Being vulnerable allows other people to see us and connect with us. Receiving opens up parts of ourselves that long to be loved, seen, and understood. It tenderizes us when we’re truly receiving and fosters love.

When we’re a “one-person show” and do everything for ourselves, we feel self-sufficient and in control, but the price is loneliness and isolation. We don’t realize that it’s human to need and that giving and receiving rewards both participants. It’s a natural flow of energy that permits love, closeness, and intimacy.

Training and Culture

In some religions and cultures, it’s considered selfish or impolite to ask and receive. In the Persian culture, it’s considered proper to refuse compliments, to initially decline a gift and rude to ask for one.

Our natural need and requests for comfort, love, and support may have been ignored, rejected, or belittled. These false, shame-based beliefs can make us withdraw or behave in needy ways, rather than to directly ask for what we need and want.

You can change your beliefs. Ask yourself whether you give too much, and why. Analyze your beliefs around receiving. Read how to overcome guilt. Heal shame you carry from your childhood in Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You.

© Darlene Lancer 2020

Note: a longer version of this article titled, “Why It’s Hard to Receive,” first appeared earlier on Darlene Lancer’s blog.