Why Addicts | Alcoholics Lie, Cheat, Steal
Why addicts | alcoholics lie, cheat, steal from those they love the most – WHY? why? WHY?!?*% – becomes one of the many pressing questions that swirl through the minds of those who love them. At first loved ones are baffled and question themselves, wracking their brains to replay conversations and actions taken, “Maybe I misunderstood what he said when I asked.” “I know I just went to the ATM, yesterday – which purse was I carrying?” And then family members graduate to making outright excuses, “He must have needed the money.” “I’m sure he was at his girlfriend’s, and she doesn’t use so he must be telling us the truth.”
Understanding why an addict | alcoholic lies, cheats and steals can help family members appreciate – it’s not their loved one, it’s not them – and from there the family member can set healthier boundaries.
Family members cannot fathom, let alone let the truth sink in, their loved one really is lying, cheating, stealing to and from them! And so they look for plausible explanations and often get sideways with other family members who aren’t as willing to collude in their version of the “truth,” and together they practice another step in The Dance of the Family Disease of Addiction.
That was certainly true for me. I couldn’t believe it was them so it had to be me. Because if it were them, that meant they were bad – “I mean, really, who lies, cheats and steals from their loved ones?” – and if by chance that were true, then what does that say about me? “How could I love a bad person?”
And so the swirl swirled… until I was fortunate to have a loved one enter treatment for alcoholism in 2003. And that’s what finally broke the damn for me. I finally was able to face the truth about addiction, the truth about what coping with various loved one’s addictions had done to me and to start my own recovery journey to unravel the health consequences of coping for decades with secondhand drinking. 
Secondhand Drinking refers to the negative impacts of a person’s drinking behaviors on others.
So I want to use this post to share some of my key discoveries in the event you, too, are looking to answer, “Why an addict | alcoholic lies, cheats and steals.” And before I continue, I want to let you know there’s been a great deal of research and advanced understandings about the term addiction (drug addiction or alcoholism), which is now diagnosed as a severe substance use disorder, as well as the terms alcohol or drug abuse; addict and alcoholic. This article provides clarification. For the purposes of this article, I’ll use the terms most of society uses – addiction, addict, alcoholic.]
Understanding Cravings Helps Explain WHY Addicts | Alcoholics Lie, Cheat, Steal
To understand cravings is to understand some of the new brain science, namely that the brain controls everything we think, feel, say and do through neurons “talking” to one another in the brain and to and from others throughout the body via the nervous system.
Much of this science is the result of research of the past 10-15-20 years, which is the result of advances in imaging technologies that allow scientists and medical professionals to study the live human brain in action and over time, under the influence, with mental illness, after treatment, during its developmental stages and so much more. In the case of addiction, this research is explaining how / why addiction changes the way the brain works and the power of cravings.
Cravings are what tell a person’s brain “this” (such as drugs or alcohol for the addict | addict) is critical to your survival so you must do it. They are one of the four characteristics of this brain disorder (disease). The other three are loss of control, physical dependence and tolerance.
The important take away is for the recovering addict | alcoholic to understand that a craving is not a command – it’s a craving. It can be managed as was highlighted in the section, “5 Things to Do About Craving” in the Addiction Documentary linked above. Equally important is to understand the brain can change.
Additional Discoveries About the Brain Disease of Addiction Family Members Should Know
1. Alcoholism and drug addiction are two of the diseases of addiction. Addiction is defined as a chronic, often relapsing – but treatable! – brain disease (aka brain disorder). This resource by the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) is another excellent resource: “Brains, Drugs, and Behaviors: the Science of Addiction.”
2. To begin treating addiction all use of the substance of abuse must be stopped in its entirety in order to allow the structural and chemical changes in the brain to change and recover.
These first two discoveries freed me from my continued efforts to try control my loved ones’ drinking and thus to stop my nagging, raging, deal-making and shaming – the behaviors I’d been using in order to “help” them stop.
They also allowed me to respect the person (my loved one) but hate the disease and know that until that person came to grips with the power of addiction, they would/will continue to lie, cheat and steal and drink, no matter how hard they try/tried to control their drinking.
3. Family members have a “brain thing” going on, too. For us – it’s the result of the constant assault on our fight-or-flight stress response system. Our lack of understanding of the disease of addiction causes us to live in fear and anticipation of the other shoe dropping coupled with the frustration over the failures of our varied attempts to do whatever we could to stop it. So those of us in the family who do not have the drinking problem also need help in order to change some of the behaviors we’ve adopted in order to survive — behaviors that over time actually get in our way of living healthy, happy, fulfilling lives, regardless of whether our loved one stops drinking or not.
4. Addiction is often a young person’s disease caused in part by alcohol or drug abuse during the critical brain developmental stages occurring from ages 12 – 25. So if the loved one you are concerned about is your adolescent or young adult son or daughter – don’t wait to take action – it may not be “just a phase” or “something all kids do.”
Where to Take it From Here
I urge you to read my latest book published in 2019 — not so I can sell books but so you can learn about the huge scientific advances that explains all of this in layman’s terms.
The first half covers alcohol use disorders (drinking problems) – how they’re developed and treated and what long-term recovery requires. In the case of alcohol abuse, for example, it’s possible to learn to “re-drink,” but in the case of alcoholism, it must be total abstinence from alcohol, yet in both cases, there are other brain healing aspects necessary in order to address “why” a person finds themselves drinking to these extents in the first place (e.g., trauma, anxiety, depression, social environment…). As importantly for readers of this post, it explains why addicts/alcoholics lie, cheat, steal.
The second half explains what happens to family members and friends and what they can do to help their loved ones, as well as what they can do to take back control of their physical and emotional health and the quality of their lives.
This is the link to the Amazon version. It comes in both paperback and Kindle (which can be read on an iPad or other eReader device). With the Kindle format, you’re able to get it immediately, which may be helpful for right now, and it allows you to read it without anyone knowing, which may also be helpful. It is also sold by other retailers and available in some libraries, as well.
Bottom Line
As you understand all of this, you will be better able to focus on what you can and cannot do. In a nutshell – you can control your brain and therefore your thoughts, feelings and behaviors. You cannot control the brain of another – especially that of someone who has changed the way their brain works as a consequence of their brain disease of addiction. But know, it can and does get better. It will take time (darn!), and it will be a journey. But it is definitely well worth the effort.
If you have further questions, please email me at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com to schedule a phone call. There is no charge.
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This article first appeared under the same title on June 20, 2013. It was updated in January 2020 and again on October 25, 2021. Comments from the original post still appear on this updated version.
Lisa Frederiksen
Latest posts by Lisa Frederiksen (see all)
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[…] in meditation and think, “Huh, look at that. Isn’t that an interesting way I used to see and behave in the […]
Wonderful post and information, Lisa. The AMA’s definition of addiction includes mind, body and spiritual components to the chronic disorder. Of course! stealing, lying and cheating are part of the symptom complex in active addiction. Thank you for your clear and concise reminders for early intervention and education. We can do this better and you’re leading the way!/Herby
You’re welcome, Herby, and thank you for your comment!
You always provide such great information, Lisa. Thanks for all you do. I know it is extremely helpful. Bless you.
Thank you, Alexandra. Your support and enthusiasm for my work really means a lot to me.
Great article.
In his book, Telling Lies: Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace, Politics, and Marriage, Dr. Paul Ekman estimates, “The average person lies three times per ten minutes of conversation.”
Three lies in 10 minutes equals 18 an hour, hundreds each week, and thousands of lies a year.
Why so many lies?
I’d like to extend your insights to suggest that all lying is a symptom of addictive behaviors.
Slowly but surely researchers are using brain scanning equipment to extend what is known about dopamine flow and drug (heroin, cocaine, nicotine) addictions to food, sex, social media, and video game addictions. I believe it’s only a question of time until they discover that it’s possible to get addicted to all of Abraham Maslow’s deficiency needs, ESPECIALLY safety/power, acceptance/approval/attention, and esteem/status.
(It’s no accident that Maslow’s deficiency needs correlate with the dopamine-induced survival needs that chimpanzees obsess over.)
When that happens our species’ penchant for dishonesty will finally make sense.
Wow – this is a stunning statistic you quote, Charles, “Telling Lies: Clues to Deceit in the Marketplace, Politics, and Marriage, Dr. Paul Ekman estimates, “’The average person lies three times per ten minutes of conversation.’” I look forward to looking into your work and thank you for adding your comment!
Thank you for sharing this Lisa. It is so helpful for families, especially parents to have a better understanding to the behavior of their family member. Your posts help so much in clearing up the mystery of addiction.
You’re so welcome, Cathy – thanks for the comment!
Thank you for this post, Lisa. While I thankfully am not dealing with addiction issues in my family, this has helped me understand my response to some other issues that are equally stressful. Now I feel like I have some direction in finding some resources for me. Your posts are always insightful and so helpful without making us feel ashamed or embarrassed by our challenges.
I’m so glad to hear these posts help, Marie. There is so much they understand about the brain, now, and as you said, much of what works to heal it for one “thing,” also works equally well with others.
Thanks Lisa. So important for people to slowly but surely get to the point where they don’t take those behaviors (lie, cheat, etc) that their loved ones do directly personally! Big big step right there! Thanks so much….
I couldn’t agree more, Leslie – it’s a huge step but when it’s made, boy does it open the doors for growth and recovery. Thanks for your comment!
Nice take on why addicts and alcoholics lie, cheat and steal. This will be very very helpful to family members and friend who do not understand 🙂
Thanks, Anita – glad to hear you think it’ll be helpful.
Great information here Lisa – it does a lot for the families of addicts to understand the mechanics of addiction – with support, it can be overcome. I liked what you said here to about a craving just being a craving rather than a command – it helps the idea of overcoming something when you realize that craving can (and do) pass.
Thanks, Moira! And for the family member, it’s important to picture their “craving” as being the wired, brain-maped Limbic reaction to the emotion – working to let themselves feel the emotion but not give into the reaction! And like an addiction craving, it, too, can pass – especially if it’s not reacted to but rather responded to, which occurs from the Cerebral Cortex part of the brain. Thanks for your comment!
Boy oh boy, this caught me right where I’ve been asking questions the last few days. You share such great stuff Lisa!
Why thank you, MamaRed – so glad the timing was right!
Thank you for this post, the information, the clear expression and the resources. I have already shared this with others and they have found it helpful, too.
You are a woman of service in this area of healing and I am grateful to you and your voice.
Your kind words mean a great deal to me, Kyczy – as does your friendship. I’m thrilled you found it helpful enough to pass along to others. Thank you so much.
The thought that most addicts were addicted before 21 is amazing! I had no idea! This is powerful knowledge to have in prevention! Great job Lisa!
Isn’t it shocking! My hope is that parents learning this will be less likely to look the other way at underage drinking or drug abuse and use this science to help their teen understand why the adolescent brain is not the brain of an adult, therefore drugs and alcohol work differently in the adolescent brain than they do in the brain of an adult.
Addiction truly is a sickness. I am happy that you are there to show people that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and to help them understand that they are not alone:) Great post!
Thanks, Daniele -so glad that message comes through!
Thank you Lisa for helping to explain why addicts/alcoholics lie. Many assume that they do it out of sheer badness without realising that denial is part of the disease. Many times I can remember adamantly denying that I had been drinking even though I knew I had. I could justify not telling the truth because my brain was programmed to cover and protect the alcoholism at any cost.
You’re so welcome, Carolyn. Hopefully this will help everyone better understand so they can let go of resentments, stop the denial… – the “stuff” that keeps us all so stuck in whatever role we have in this family disease.
Thank you for keeping us informed about addictions as well as second hand addiction. Tough love is a very difficult thing to apply but there are times it must be applied.
You’re so right, Pat – thanks for your comment.
Lisa, this is an excellent article. Someone who is very dear has struggled in a marriage that gripped in the snares of alcoholism. It is so very difficult for some to understand. Thank you for sharing your insights and for educating all of us. I admire your dedication and want to thank you for all that you are doing to help explain alcoholism and the tangled webs it can create.
Thank you so very much for your kind words, Robin. I am so sorry about your friend. Hopefully, she will find information that will help her better understand it’s a brain disease and what it will take to treat the disease. For me it was finally understanding this, and it was that understanding that helped me finally open my heart and mind to learning what I could and couldn’t do to help my loved ones and what I needed to do to help myself.
The vast knowledge you have brought us regarding addictions, Lisa, has in turn brought clarity to so many of the behaviors that accompany them. This area of lying, cheating and stealing falls right into the mix. Thank you!
You’re welcome, Sharon! And I really appreciate you sharing your reactions and thoughts on these posts and your encouragement and appreciation for the information shared.
I would love to put all your great knowledge to use…but she doesn’t want help and I don’t have the strength to fight….
Hopefully she will find this kind of information, someday, and realize what she needs to do to get the treatment she needs. I’m so sorry you’ve had to struggle with this disease in a loved one, Yvonne.
Brilliant post Lisa! I appreciate how you explain things so that family members will understand the addiction and offer them ways to support and love the addict when it’s really hard to do so.
Thanks so much, Lena! I really appreciate hearing how much you liked this and that you think it can help family members who read it.
Good article . Reading from the family member side of the disease . After reading the comments it seems that most are from the analytical and business side of the disease. It would be nice from my perspective to hear more from those going through this. Heartbreaking and maddening to come full circle and back to this oh so frustrating and familiar place 6 years into this disease!
Hi Tired – perhaps I can give you more specific help-type resources to check out. I’m not sure where you’re coming from. Feel free to email me directly at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com.
Crumbs! This is such a well written balanced article – so true and so accurate. Looking at your previous posts /articles makes me wish I had seen your work before. How myself and my family could have gained so much succour from your understanding and accurate stance on addiction when for eight years we were trying to save our son.More details can be found at http://bit.ly/18tYg8o
Oh Margaret – I’m so very sorry your son died of this disease, and how courageous of you to share your family’s story in hopes it may help others. Should you be interested in writing a bit of your story and introducing your book, “Detach With Love,” in a guest post on this blog, I would love to run it. I’ll email you, as well, in case you don’t see this reply. Thank you so much for your comment and writing your book.
Dear Margaret!
I was searching to buy your book buy your book, but it is available only for Kindle. I would love to buy a paper book. Where can I find this book? I really need it. Thank you!
Hi Irena – If you mean my book (I’m Lisa Frederiksen), I’m not sure which of y books you’re talking about, but many are only in eBook format. They are available in any of the eBook formats, however – Nook, iPad… you can also read them on your computer. As for paperback books – if it’s “If You Loved Me, You’d Stop!” – it’s gone out of print but I just saw there are used ones for sale (also some new) – here’s the link http://www.amazon.com/If-You-Loved-Youd-Stop/dp/0981684408 If it’s my other one, “Loved One In Treatment? Now What!” – there are several of the paperback versions left. Thank you!
Hello, I have an uncle who is a meth addict and has gone beyond over board with lies, stealing everything.. And he doesn’t realize what he’s doin… He’s gone to the point where he’s goin in to peoples houses to steal… He really really needs help… His mother defends him a lot… That’s why he gets away with things… We can’t no more with this situation…
I am so sorry to hear about your uncle. You are so right, Connie… he really needs help. Until he gets the meth out of his brain and treats his addiction, his behaviors cannot change. I don’t know if you’re familiar with The Addiction Project (it’s an amazing effort produced by HBO in collaboration with and sharing the research of NIDA, NIAAA and The Robert Wood Johnson Foundation). It might help to share this link to the videos on the site with his mom to help her better understand addiction http://www.hbo.com/addiction/thefilm/index.html?current=5
Thank u Lisa, I really appreciate u telling me this…. hopefully we get thru this…
You’re welcome. Also – feel free to call me at 650-362-3026 or email me at lisaf@BreakingTheCycles.com, if you’d like to ask a question offline. Wishing you all the best!!
Once again thank you.. I’ll lkeep that in mind…
Excellent article. Thanks for all you do in this field of addiction. Your article is great!
Recovery is possible— but today many of the those with a vested interest in making money off the backs of the “poor unfortunates” by chemically enslaving them— under the guise of “harm reduction” —and then loading them up with one crazy diagnosis after the other WHILE the person is still in the grips of the disease and / or in severe withdrawal from alcohol or medications or other drugs— just so they prescribe other mind-bending psychotropic drugs. Alcoholics are easy pickings and no one is questioning them but Dr. Drew Pinsky.
It is the psychiatrists and others like that who really make me sick these days… their greed is killing/maiming addicts/alcoholics because eventually they will drink again on top of those other meds…and likely die of a toxic overdose eventually. But—those shrinks will have a new car to drive and nice vacation off the burial of another one of their victims.
Thank you so much for reading this post and taking the time to share your views.
I appreciate this post. And will ask for shorter versions or explanations of “Why an addict steals”. Im a recovering addict and my family is greatly confused and I dont know how to explain or help them understand why ive done some of the things ive done..please help or reply if you can..thanks!
Hi Danielle – I wrote this eBook to help we these kinds of conversations. It’s called “Quick Guide to Addiction Recovery: What Helps, What Doesn’t.” It’s short and explains (and shares key resource links) the brain disease of addiction – how it develops, what it does to the brain and thus how it changes behaviors, as well as helps the family understand what they’ve been through and can do to help themselves. Here’s a link to the amazon version http://www.amazon.com/Quick-Guide-Addiction-Recovery-Doesnt-ebook/dp/B00OYV3B7U. Another resource is this one from NIDA, http://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugs-brains-behavior-science-addiction/preface. And this website has lots of great info – videos, short explanations, etc. http://www.hbo.com/addiction/. Congratulations on your sobriety!!
i am dealing with this an i am now anti social cry constant an beat myself up for it
i have cancer an have maybe six months left of this life an he didnt care okay well he cared but still takes off for days at a time an leaves me with no food
for four years now he has lied to me an my child .. he has cheated … stolen from me an he had one charge when we met he now has been arrested 56 times in last year an a half
he now steals from anyone
lies about everything to everyone
his mom passed an he didnt go to see her or anything
he is not violent would never hit me
but he has got myself to points of anger i never seen in me before n i have hit him
oh yes lets not forget he is sick hep c
i also believe hiv
he cries daily or nightly wether me friends bosses he cries when confronted with anything its all so fake
he also is a master at manipulation …
i love this man but the man i fell in love with is gone … he is 40 an addict addicted to hydromorph an the needle
what do i do i dont wanna leave but i am so lost an confused as nothing ever changes
I’m so sorry to hear all of what you are going through, Dawn. If you would like to talk with me, feel free to call – no charge – my number is 650-799-9813.
Using being under the influence for a reason why addicts steal is a cop out. They steal because they want to. They are the type of people who would steal whether on drugs or not. Here’s an example. A co-worker stole a check and used the excuse “I wasn’t in my right mind. I was on drugs.” I personally have done every drug except for one and I’ve never stolen. The drugs aren’t why they steal it’s because they are liars and cheats to begin with. Take alcohol for example. If one person is kind and happy when they are drunk they are a happy drunk. When someone angry and bitter gets drunk they become more angry. It’s tiresome to see people make excuses and blame the drugs. This removes any responsibility on their part. This is actually doing addicts a disservice instead of making them realize they stole because they wanted to.
I understand your confusion – I know I was confused by this concept, myself (the name of my first book in this area was titled, “If You Loved Me, You’d Stop!”. However it’s difficult to explain in a reply. I’m happy to talk with you by phone or you may wish to browse through these resources for more information about the brain disease of addiction and why people with this disease behave the way they do. http://www.hbo.com/addiction/ and/or https://www.drugabuse.gov/publications/drugs-brains-behavior-science-addiction/preface
I am living with an alcoholic. She has been for over 35 years and has been sober off and on for a few years in between. I am love with her, she has cheated on me and probably will continue with her so called friends from AA. She lost her marriage to a married AA member. My head says to kick her out but also with my heart says she can and wants to change. I guess I want this relationship to last so much. I would like to find a sponsor whom I can talk on phone with. I started Al Anon, but have no sponsor.
Hi Tery – it may take attending several of the same Al Anon meeting or several different meetings to find someone you’d like to sponsor you. Some meetings have temporary sponsors, so that might be an option for you. Another help are the books, “Courage to Change” and “Hope for Today.” You might pick them up. I found it helpful to use the index to find the topic (anger, resentment, fear…) I was experiencing and then read all of the entries on that topic.
all really true and good stuff.. It feels hopless I am an addict and my Husband is an alcoholic, can we are we going to make it?
This is definitely a treatable disease – please feel free to call my office at 650-362-3026, and I can share some resources that may help.
It just occurred to me this morning (3:30) that my son’s stealing- mainly all my tools is related to his alcohol addiction! I knew a sex addiction could be related. I knew people who used drugs would steal to buy drugs. But this is different. He has the money to buy alcohol, so why steal? It makes sense that it’s a brain issue. Interestingly. My 42 year old son has had an alcohol addiction since he was a teen, as did his father, grandfather, great grandfather——-
And a judge (when my son was a teen) tried to tell me it was just a phase! I knew better! I have been able to forgive, love, and respect my son, but he has hung on to his addiction. I’m hoping discovering how it changes the brain will help him see things differently and take action.
Thank you so much for sharing this, Nancy. Sharing our stories helps others in similar situations. I hope his understanding the science of this brain disease can help. He might be interested in my eBook, Crossing the Line from Alcohol Use to Abuse to Dependence – here’s the link: https://www.amazon.com/Crossing-Alcohol-Abuse-Dependence-ebook/dp/B007PUB2UU?SubscriptionId=0ENGV10E9K9QDNSJ5C82&tag=boobyboopub-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=B007PUB2UU
All best to you and your son, Lisa
[…] Lying to loved ones is common addict behavior, as is theft. You might lie to your family about needing money for a bill but you intend to spend the money on drugs. Perhaps you’ve sold all your own personal possessions and now you’re stealing valuables from their homes to sell for cash to spend on drugs. […]